What the heck happened???

whathappened

I find myself mindlessly eating half stale tortilla chips out of the pantry, shuffling over to the fridge to knock out some leftover queso dip, then on to the freezer for a little pint of gelato. The.whole.darn.thing. And you know what you need after some sweet chocolatey goodness??? A little something salty…I wonder if there are any tortilla chips left….

It was my own bad version of If you Give a Mouse a Cookie. This endless cycle of grazing, drinking more coffee than water, finding a reason excuse to skip my workouts more days than not. Then January 1st hit and I realized my 365 day personal challenge without Diet Coke was over. “One large Diet Coke please!”. And you know what goes well with Diet Coke?? Some nice salty french fries….

It’s not only the poor food choices that had begun to wear on me, it’s the voice in my head that becomes most detrimental.

“Why think you can ever change?”

“How can you think about being a wellness coach when you are eating a PINT of salted caramel ice cream?”

“Holistic nutrition… schmolistic nutrition”.

“You are fat”

“You can get Steak and Shake…there’s always tomorrow”.

And I begin to believe those lies. I begin to believe that I am never going to change, I begin to believe that no one can learn anything from me…I’m just a poser (remember the 90s?) wellness coach who has a propensity towards salted caramel ice cream and chicken melts. I stop pressing play, stop reaching out to folks, I stop writing. I stop calling myself “coach” or “writer” but instead call myself “loser”, “quitter”, “weak”.

Then I remember a very strange conversation that took place over my fall women’s Bible study retreat. Our amazing guest speaker always referred to herself in third person.

“Suze Fair, get it together”

“Suze Fair, you are amazing”

“Suze Fair, be still and know”.

We laughed and called her “Suze Fair” as well.

Late one evening while we were standing in the hallway talking about important things like Instagram and faith, a woman approached Suze and asked “What is this name you call yourself?” Her hearing loss and the poor acoustics in our meeting room had made her miss the story of why Suze always referring to herself in third person. So Suze explained why she is “Suze Fair” and went on to listen with an open heart as this woman shared her story. My girlfriend and I went back to talks of Instagram filters.

But in the days that followed, I kept hearing that “What is this name you call yourself?” repeat over and over in my mind. I imagined if God asked me this same question.

What is this name “loser” you call yourself?

That is not the name I have chosen for you.

What is this name “weak” you call yourself?

I have seen you struggle through many hard things without breaking.

Why do you not call yourself that which I have named you?

Precious child of mine, beautiful, beloved.

I have been wrestling this question since the beginning of the new year. Often times pausing to think about the names I call myself. The idea that those names are powerful and can become a self fulfilling prophesy has taken root in my soul. What if I starting calling myself the names that God would call me? What if I gave myself grace that things got a little cray-cray over the holidays but that poor food choices don’t determine my name? What if I plan today’s meal with lots of whole foods and called myself “an example”?  What if I forgot all those missed workouts and started today while calling myself “athlete”? What if I stopping worrying about the radio silence here on my blog and sat down and called myself “blogger”? What if I called myself the same name Jesus calls me “forgiven”?

It’s hard to quiet that internal name calling and replace them with words of self affirmation. They don’t roll off the tongue quite as easily. But they are more necessary than we know and more powerful than we can imagine. Starting today I will call myself the names God calls me

Precious child

Beautiful

Beloved

So today, I challenge you to stop and ask, “What is this name you call yourself?”


If you are someone who is on your own journey of health and fitness, whether you are at the starting line, several miles in or nearing the finish, I would love to work with you! Sometimes we need someone else to call us “strong” or “deserving” before we can do that for ourselves. So contact me via email (smallstepsofchange@gmail.com) or comment below and I would love to talk about coaching with you. I promise to leave the salted caramel ice cream and chicken melts behind!

Love,

Aileen

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